….and EMBRACE it?
Your smallest insecurities and self-doubt can surface when you’re in the social spotlight, especially when it comes to meeting the opposite sex. Some people even allow their insecurities to develop into an intense anxiety, which prevents them from approaching new people- this is called “approach anxiety.” People with approach anxiety often feel like they’re being scrutinized by others- they are paranoid about their ‘flaws’ and feel very uncomfortable in their skin. I see this mostly with guys who hesitate to approach a woman they’ve been eyeing up all night; when they finally approach they mumble their words, or stutter or just appear so stressed that the woman becomes uncomfortable.
Listen- you have to become comfortable with who you are- embrace it. You may not look like Brad Pitt, but that may be an unfair comparison, right? You are going to be your worst critic every time, you are going to be the hardest on yourself- most of the time your insecurities are fabricated or extremely magnified. A genuine man, comfortable in his own skin exudes confidence, no matter what he looks like. And if you’ve been reading any of my blogs you know that Confidence is everything- no matter what you look like.
I have a good friend who is shorter, balding, and a little on the chubby side. Lemme tell you- he gets a lot of women “way out of his league”. How does he do this? Everyone asks that same question. Lemme tell you more about him. All his friends, most of whom are actually good looking guys, follow him out on weekend nights to meet women. Sound unfair? You’re wrong. This guy has a lot of Confidence in himself; he exudes so much confidence you just know when he walks in the room. The women Love his confidence. He doesn’t care that he doesn’t have abs, or a sculpted body- you would think he never knew at all about his physique. He’s a great conversationalist and can approach anyone, and make them laugh, or engage them in an interesting story- this is what does it. He’s not only comfortable with himself, he’s completely embraced it. I’ve seen him get ‘rejected’- no big deal…a smile and he moves on. He’s no Brad Pitt, but he’s confident and so charming. He knows women consider looks, but it’s only one part of the equation. He knows there are women out there who either prefer his body type, or just don’t care. More importantly he’s happy with who he is and understands finding the woman perfect for him is just a process- a series of encounters and conversations with new people every day.
So, here are your two options. Examine yourself and identify those things about yourself that you’d like to improve or change altogether; these things can be your physical appearance, your mindset, or your communication skills. Then put an action plan to improve yourself. Making improvements helps to build Confidence and this is what you need to become comfortable in your own skin. Keep in mind there are some things about you that cannot be changed- but what do you offer that can be highlighted? Your other option is to be like my friend, and love who you are- embrace it, don’t hide or disguise anything. You want to be 100% authentically you! When you are- the confidence will show, and you will attract the kind of people you wanna meet.
Don’t attempt to be someone you’re not- if you can’t be yourself, who can you be? I’ve seen men and women lie about their age, income, body type and personal history on the online dating sites. It’s not a well thought out strategy. Ultimately when you do land a date, you will have a lot of explaining to do and you’ll be exposed as a fraud- this won’t do anything to help that confidence you’re looking for either.
Learn to be yourself. Work on the things you can improve, and accept the rest as being a part of You. If you need help with your communication and behavioral skills, that’s what I’m here for. There is someone out there who WILL accept you for you- but you’ll never know if you hide who you are, or don’t embrace it.
Sunday, February 7
Wednesday, February 3
The Beach, Wholefoods, and Cafe Ole
If this were Jeopardy, the correct response would be “What are three places I am very comfortable going to meet women?” What are your three places?
It just so happens, I can go to those three places and speak to as many women as I’d like without any hesitation or awkwardness, every time. I have been successful meeting women, and getting first dates almost at will. Why is this? Because these are three places I know very well, and can always drum up something interesting and engaging to talk about when I’m there- especially the beach.
I have no hesitation to talk with anyone on the beach- I feel like it’s “my” turf. Here’s why: I’m an avid year round die hard surfer, I’m a certified freediver with underwater rescue skills, and I spend a lot of time socializing on the beach- I could probably run for Mayor of my local beach and win. In other words, it’s an environment where I have a lot of knowledge, and knowledge breeds Confidence. I can “talk story” to no end about the ocean, or about sea life, or about anything to do with the surf. My stories are funny, entertaining, or exciting because the beach is very familiar ground- nothing I say is contrived, planned or edited. So I don’t fumble or mumble when talking with women; everything I say is said with the utmost confidence, and this is what women are really attracted to: Confidence. I exude Confidence when I’m in the ocean or on the beach, and it shows in the relaxed way I walk, talk, and in my body language. I can approach a woman picking up shells and start a conversation about where to find better shells in a place that most people overlook- it’s that simple- this is how connections begin. I have given numerous surf lessons, so I can easily offer advice to someone having trouble in the water. All the lifeguards know me, and most people recognize me every year as ‘that surfer guy’ who’s always socializing. It’s impossible for me to feel uncomfortable on the beach. I can nonchalantly walk up to the most beautiful woman on the beach and start a very casual, relaxed conversation, without a hitch, while all the other guys cower in fear.
Guys, what I’m trying to tell is that you must reevaluate where it is you’re going to meet women. Confession: I’m not that comfortable trying to connect with women in bars, especially if it’s loud, and saturated with cheesy pickup artists- the women there are on their defense, and rightfully so. I therefore don’t go to bars and clubs to meet women. The last thing women want to hear are the SAME horrible contrived ice breakers and cheesy pick up lines- they’ve heard them all before and then you get thrown into the bin with all the other rejects. Don’t walk up to her and tell her she’s beautiful- she knows this already. If you have to struggle to think about what to say when you’re approaching a woman, it’s likely you’re going to sound like all the others she’s shot down many times before. Be original, say something interesting, say something that comes to you while you’re in the moment- if this sounds hard you might want to think about relocating to another place where you have the confidence to talk nonchalantly, and with confidence.
Think of a number of places where you are comfortable because you are Knowledgeable, or because it is a very familiar place. If you were an Art History major, wouldn’t it be easy to chat with the woman standing next to you at an art exhibit? Of course, and you would sound natural- every word that left your mouth wasn’t edited, it came from your passion, and you said it with confidence- and women love confidence. Women can also smell a poser a mile away. See the difference? So, if you have approach anxiety, start with some places where you are comfortable. Strike up conversations with as many women as possible- you’ll notice how natural your conversations come to you- this is what you want. Learn from this, and think twice before you go somewhere with your friends to “pick up” some women.
It just so happens, I can go to those three places and speak to as many women as I’d like without any hesitation or awkwardness, every time. I have been successful meeting women, and getting first dates almost at will. Why is this? Because these are three places I know very well, and can always drum up something interesting and engaging to talk about when I’m there- especially the beach.
I have no hesitation to talk with anyone on the beach- I feel like it’s “my” turf. Here’s why: I’m an avid year round die hard surfer, I’m a certified freediver with underwater rescue skills, and I spend a lot of time socializing on the beach- I could probably run for Mayor of my local beach and win. In other words, it’s an environment where I have a lot of knowledge, and knowledge breeds Confidence. I can “talk story” to no end about the ocean, or about sea life, or about anything to do with the surf. My stories are funny, entertaining, or exciting because the beach is very familiar ground- nothing I say is contrived, planned or edited. So I don’t fumble or mumble when talking with women; everything I say is said with the utmost confidence, and this is what women are really attracted to: Confidence. I exude Confidence when I’m in the ocean or on the beach, and it shows in the relaxed way I walk, talk, and in my body language. I can approach a woman picking up shells and start a conversation about where to find better shells in a place that most people overlook- it’s that simple- this is how connections begin. I have given numerous surf lessons, so I can easily offer advice to someone having trouble in the water. All the lifeguards know me, and most people recognize me every year as ‘that surfer guy’ who’s always socializing. It’s impossible for me to feel uncomfortable on the beach. I can nonchalantly walk up to the most beautiful woman on the beach and start a very casual, relaxed conversation, without a hitch, while all the other guys cower in fear.
Guys, what I’m trying to tell is that you must reevaluate where it is you’re going to meet women. Confession: I’m not that comfortable trying to connect with women in bars, especially if it’s loud, and saturated with cheesy pickup artists- the women there are on their defense, and rightfully so. I therefore don’t go to bars and clubs to meet women. The last thing women want to hear are the SAME horrible contrived ice breakers and cheesy pick up lines- they’ve heard them all before and then you get thrown into the bin with all the other rejects. Don’t walk up to her and tell her she’s beautiful- she knows this already. If you have to struggle to think about what to say when you’re approaching a woman, it’s likely you’re going to sound like all the others she’s shot down many times before. Be original, say something interesting, say something that comes to you while you’re in the moment- if this sounds hard you might want to think about relocating to another place where you have the confidence to talk nonchalantly, and with confidence.
Think of a number of places where you are comfortable because you are Knowledgeable, or because it is a very familiar place. If you were an Art History major, wouldn’t it be easy to chat with the woman standing next to you at an art exhibit? Of course, and you would sound natural- every word that left your mouth wasn’t edited, it came from your passion, and you said it with confidence- and women love confidence. Women can also smell a poser a mile away. See the difference? So, if you have approach anxiety, start with some places where you are comfortable. Strike up conversations with as many women as possible- you’ll notice how natural your conversations come to you- this is what you want. Learn from this, and think twice before you go somewhere with your friends to “pick up” some women.
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